Two Very Drunk Newpsies
by i-love-svu
Summary: Julie Cooper and Kirsten Cohen are completely wasted. Let the fun begin. Rated T just to be safe.
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer: I do not own _The O.C.._**

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"Julie!" Sandy Cohen shouted, his tone denoting that he was obviously not amused. "Put your seat belt back on!"

The bushy eye-browed man had known that something was not right when he had received a call from The Salty Crab earlier that evening. Known for their famous battered lobster and tall beers, The Salty Crab was generally where the men of Newport went after a long round of golf. The ladies usually preferred something a bit more sophisticated, somewhere that served martinis with those annoying little umbrellas perched on the side of the cup. That was exactly why Sandy had been disbelieving when the manager of said establishment had called him to say that he needed to pick his wife up.

He had arrived at The Salty Crab ten minutes after the call had been made and found five people standing outside of the bar, two of which he knew. As Sandy walker closer, he could barely stop himself from laughing. Julie Cooper and Kirsten Cohen, who were clearly drunk, were being restrained by two of the employees of the bar. They swayed against the young men, their ability to stand up without assistance had been demolished by the alcohol they had consumed. In between the four of them was the manager who had a look on his face that was a mixture of annoyance and amusement. Sandy gave each worker a look of contrite before facing his wife and Julie.

"What happened, ladies?" Sandy had inquired. He truly had to struggle in order to keep a smile off of his face. The entire situation seemed to be funny. Kirsten and Julie completely wasted together, the two of them getting kicked out of a bar. Sandy never thought he would see the day.

Now, having been in the car with the intoxicated woman, Sandy almost wished that he had never answered the telephone.

"No, I can't. I don't have any arms!" Julie cried in reply to Sandy's command. Kirsten giggled quietly as she turned back to look at her equally smashed friend.

"But Julie, I see your arms!"

Julie shook her head in disagreement, her eyes filled with concern. "They're not mine! They must be yours!"

For what seemed like the thousandth time that night, Sandy laughed out loud. At first, he made an attempt not to laugh at anything either of the women said. But that had proved to be too difficult and Sandy decided that they probably wouldn't remember him laughing at the pair in the morning.

When he felt warm breath upon his earlobe, Sandy promptly stopped chuckling and turned toward the woman in the front seat. "Kirsten, don't make me yell at you, too," He warned with a stern look that he usually reserved for their sons. At the thought of Seth and Ryan seeing their mother like that, Sandy did chuckle once again but was greeted by Kirsten's breath, this time upon his neck.

"Kirsten! In your seat!" Taking one hand off of the wheel, Sandy gently pushed Kirsten into the gray bucket seat, which made the blond Californian cross her arms over her chest in an attempt to pout. "And Julie, so help me God if you don't put your seat belt back on."

Sandy glared at his wife's accomplice in the rearview mirror couldn't help but to smile smugly as she hastily fastened the safety restraint.

"Now, do either of you want to tell me what happened?"

Sandy glanced from Kirsten, who was still sulking in the front passenger seat, back to Julie. Although under the influence of what Sandy assumed what a massive amount of alcohol, they were not nearly as bad as Sandy had imagined they would be. As he would find out, Sandy had spoken too soon.


	2. Chapter 2

"Ow, Kirsten," Sandy winced as Kirsten sloppily wrapped one arm around her husband's neck. He could smell the alcohol on her breath and that, coupled with the fact that she could barely walk without stumbling, was not helping anything. Sandy literally had his hands full and the humor everything had long ago worn off. He was rapidly becoming exasperated and tired.

To his left, Sandy had his arm around Julie's waist, much to his dismay. It was not a secret that he and Julie did not get along very well, or at all for that matter. But because she was having trouble standing up on her own, Sandy had opted just to help her. The sooner they dropped Julie off at her home, the sooner Sandy and Kirsten could go to their own house and forget the whole thing had ever happened. Or so Sandy was hoping.

"Sandy, you wanna know something?" Kirsten slurred, tripping over her own feet as they slowly made their way up the driveway and toward the house. Sandy made a mental note to ask Jimmy why he had not helped him get Julie into the house.

"What?" Sandy almost panted. Although he was fit, it was not exactly easy lugging two intoxicated women along a driveway. He could have left Kirsten in the car but did not want to risk her doing anything foolish, such as locking herself in the vehicle. It just seemed like a safer bet to take her with him.

Kirsten giggled quietly, her head drooping as her laughter broke the silence around them. "Julie has a crush on you!"

At this statement, Julie raised her head to look at Kirsten. "I do not!" She protested angrily, her green eyes flashing a livid look as she glowered at Kirsten.

Sandy felt that it was his job to interject before it came to drunken blows. "Hey, how about we all calm down a little? Just focus on getting to the house without falling down, okay?"

"She loves you," Kirsten whispered teasingly in Sandy's ear. "If I were your wife, I would be jealous."

Julie laughed suddenly, her body wracking with the giggles. Sandy had to resist the urge to let go of her, although he was certain she was going to fall out of his grasp if she didn't calm down. Kirsten gave her friend a confused look, and waited for the brunette's giggles to subside.

"Why are you laughing?" Kirsten asked, allowing herself to be pulled along by her husband. She studied the two to the best of her ability, given the conditions.

Through her laughter, Julie managed to say, "You two are married!"

At this, Kirsten shook her head incredulously. She didn't remember being married to Sandy! "No! You're lying!"

Sandy intervened with a grin and a chuckle, his dark brown eyes lighting up at this suddenly amusing conversation. "It's true, honey. We've been married for twenty years."

Kirsten's blue eyes widened in shock as they reached the porch. Just as she was about to ask another question, Jimmy appeared on the steps of the cement to retrieve his wife.

"Julie," Jimmy sighed, pressing his forefinger and thumb into the bridge of his nose. "I don't even know what to say."

"Just take her inside and talk about it tomorrow," Sandy replied quickly. Jimmy nodded and join the trio in the driveway. He picked his wife up and she wrapped her arms around his neck in return.

"Where are we going?" Julie asked, her words running together in an amusing fashion.

Jimmy rolled his eyes in response as he kicked the door shut behind him. Once the Coopers were inside, Sandy decided to get Kirsten back to their vehicle so that they could go home.

"Are we really married?" 

Sandy turned to Kirsten with a grin that revealed pure amusement. "Yes, we're really married. Why?"

Her cheeks tinted a color of dark red, Kirsten smiled. "You don't seem like the kind of guy I would marry."

Sandy leaned over and kissing Kirsten on the cheek. "You should've thought of that before you said I do."

Kirsten giggled as the two climbed into the car. As she glanced over at Sandy, Kirsten couldn't hide a smile. She felt a little guilty for not remembering that they were married, but had a feeling that she could make it up to him in the morning. 


	3. Chapter 3

Kirsten moaned with every step she took as she made her way toward the kitchen. Her entire body was sore, and she couldn't remember anything from the previous evening. She wanted to find Sandy and ask him to explain a few things, like how she had gone from her work clothes to a tight fitting tank top and striped pajama bottoms. Just as she had almost reached her destination, the doorbell echoed through the house. Kirsten winced at the sound and realized that she was hung-over. 

She had never had a headache that extreme before. Nor had she ever experienced the constant soreness that seemed to be pulsing throughout her body. Just how much alcohol had she consumed? Kirsten slowly made her way toward the front door, her feet dragging along the cold tile. As she pulled the heavy door open, Kirsten was surprised to find Julie Cooper standing on the other of the threshold.

"Hey, Julie," Kirsten greeted wearily. She was definitely not in the mood to put up with her Newpsie friend. "Are you okay?"

Julie groaned as she stood up a little straighter. "I think I'm dying, KiKi."

Ignoring the urge to giggle, Kirsten gently pulled Julie into the house and closed the door behind her friend. The two women stood in the foyer for a moment, allowing the time needed to recover from the sudden movements. Julie was the first to speak when she came to the conclusion that the room had stopped spinning.

"What the hell is wrong with us?" Julie asked softly. She looked up at Kirsten and waited patiently for an answer, or any indication as to why they were both feeling so odd.

Kirsten opened her mouth to speak but remained silent as her husband entered the room. "Morning," Sandy greeted Kirsten with a kiss. He turned to Julie but did not say anything, just merely laughed.

As Sandy strode into the kitchen, Julie's green eyes widened. "Why did he laugh at me?" 

Kirsten grabbed Julie's arm and pulled the brunette into the kitchen. When the two reached the sunny room, Julie's face was completely white from the motion sickness and Kirsten's cheeks were flushed.

"Sandy, apologize to her." Kirsten raised one brow angrily at her husband to show that she was not amused by his behavior. "You do not laugh at people like that!"

Waving off her command, Sandy leaned against the kitchen counter and smiled at his wife. "I really don't think you should be telling me who to apologize to," He said in a sly tone. "I have some dirt on you two."

Julie's face, although still pale, revealed that she was intrigued. She glanced over at Kirsten, who gave a nod which meant that she could interrogate Sandy.

"Care to explain?" 

Sandy obviously had the upper hand and decided to use that to his advantage. He took a moment to prepare a cup of coffee, and even put a little cream cheese on the last sesame seed bagel before answering. "You two were drunk last night and I had the lovely duty of making sure you both made it home."

Julie's jaw dropped slightly, while Kirsten gasped. "You're lying," They said in unison, although they both knew that he wasn't.

"You want proof?" Sandy inquired with a boyish grin. "Julie, according to my wife, who was completely plastered last night, you have a crush on me. Oh, and Kirsten, you didn't know that we were married."

Julie laughed at the last part of that revelation. "How much did we drink last night, Kirsten?"

Kirsten merely shrugged. She set off for the living room, and almost made it. Until Sandy jumped out in front of her.

"Where are you going?" He asked with true concern.

"To sleep my hang-over off," Kirsten replied with a sigh. "Come on, Julie."

Julie obediently followed Kirsten, and she was still giggling quietly. Sandy watched the two women collapse onto the couch in a series of groans and sighs. As he had the night before, a smug smile found it's way to Sandy's face. He had the upper-hand, for the moment being, and planned to enjoy it. 


End file.
